Carlos Bastarache: posters-grid-uproxx (16)

do you like going to work? Me neither! See how I got around that and got paid too!

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This week in This Week in Posters, we begin with Adrift, which has both particles of stuff flying everywhere (sea spray in this case) and a classic closed-eyed headbutt design. That’s competing poster clichés! I can’t tell if we’re getting lots of action from the particles or lots of yearning because of the headbutt. Maybe both? Will they be “yearning” for food and water in this one? Time will tell.

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This is apparently from a series of Avengers: Infinity Wars posters they’ll be giving away at Odeon. They’re like character posters, but with Infinity Wars, you have to squeeze four or five people onto them. Anyway, pretty cool.

Shoot, I already forgot who the lightning guy is. Dr. Octopus? Rex Manhattan? Professor Pillbug? Help me out here.

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Shield hands crew, assemble! Also, is the tripod landing Marvel’s Wilhelm Scream? Discuss.

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What are they standing on? Some kind of robot planet that the bad guy is going to destroy? Here’s a rule for superhero movie writers: no more destroying the world, the universe, the fabric of reality, etc. It’s pretty dull at this point. Also, no more effing portals.

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Yo is someone going to tell Bucky he’s holding his gun upside down? How embarrassing. That’s Bucky, right?

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“Welcome to the… uh… palms up-turned crew!”

It sucks when you have to be the last gang and all the good shticks are taken.

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Standing behind a person with one eye showing is poster code for “haunting” or “stalking.” It’s like the person is trying to smell your hair and being all creepy about it.

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Let’s see… we’ve got a redhead in the forest, some Olde English-y font, a pullquote at the top and a tagline with “unleash” in it. I’m thinking… either reimagined fairy tale, artsy horror, or supernatural romance. How say you guys before I Google it?

A troubled woman living in an isolated community finds herself pulled between the control of her oppressive family and the allure of a secretive outsider suspected of a series of brutal murders. [IMDb]

Whoa, so romantic mystery-thriller with a cult angle? I was way off. Sounds pretty boss though.

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Blindspotting looks… serious. I think if you hover your Kanye shades over this it becomes a hologram. Or you have to fold it. I can’t fold my laptop over here guys, sorry.

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“The city is almost like another character.”

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This seems so classic and old-fashioned for a Deadpool poster! He’s not even making any epic bacon dog meme faces.

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There we go, that’s the Deadpool we were all expecting. Deadpool is so crazy, he doesn’t just break the fourth wall, he doesn’t even acknowledge it’s there. He’s the late-aughts blog post of superheroes.

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Well at least they lined up the names with the faces, I have to give them that. Although isn’t this more “distressed” than “distorted?” You can’t fool me, I’ve shopped for jeans at the outlet mall.

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So is this pattern supposed to be an equals sign… or, like, an equals sign that’s also a Roman numeral two? Because at first glance I saw a double line from a road, or tires peeling out. But as long as Denzel Washington kills lots of people I guess it’s fine by me.

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He may not have been a director himself, but he still wore a jaunty scarf. Someone needs to do a documentary on the history of the scarf-as-fashion-statement for movie directors. Who started it? How did it catch on? Darren Aronofsky knows what I’m talkin’ bout.

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What’s the deal with Michael Myers’ mask again? I get that the chainsaw guy is a leather mask, and Jason is a hockey mask, this one I always get confused.

I just Googled this, and holy crap, David Gordon Green directed this?? Jeez, really buried the lead there, poster guy.

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Costumes. Pull quotes. Acting. The English. Judi Dench and the producers of the Exotic Marigold Expanded Universe present, a movie your mom will love.

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Every How To Talk To Girls At Parties poster looks like it takes place in space. …Does it take place in space? I’m genuinely asking now.

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I’m all the way there for any National Geographic movie about Africa, but that’s just me. I like this guy’s style too. Not enough people in pith helmets anymore, I always say. Pith helmets are to African explorers what scarves are to Hollywood directors.

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“The Park is gone.” Oh, you mean the park where all the killer dinosaurs live who went berzerk and killed a bunch of people a few years back? I’m confused by the stakes here.

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Remember what I said about sparks = huge action? Here it is again. Also, are Chris Pratt and Bryce Howard boyfriend/girlfriend now? Did they kiss at the end of the last one? I can’t remember. All I know is anything without the giant hair helmet kid is an improvement.

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As a political candidate, my signature policy is “these child actors need to cut their damn hair.”

What even is that on that kid’s head?

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I like these posters for Godard Mon Amour, though I’m worried about how many Godard movies I’ll have to watch to get all the references. Speaking of poster clichés, big yellow text general = “movie for college grads.”

I don’t know what it is about the poster, but I feel like I’m supposed to pronounce “cinema” “CHEE-nuh-ma” in this.

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“Love has made me see things in a different way.” Amour, she change-a everything. Like a the way I look at a the cheenema.

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I admit, I’m intrigued, and the flower design is the kind of weird and janky that kind of works (way better than just putting a bunch of random heads in boxes). That being said, is “a bigot’s worst nightmare” not just kind of the mirror image of “triggering the libs?”

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Millennials makin’ documentaries about memes now, y’all.

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I like this poster for Skyscraper. I feel like the one thing that may hurt this movie is people thinking it already came out seven times.

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You can tell they love taking Polaroids because he has a Polaroid on his shirt. And is taking a Polaroid. And there are Polaroids at the bottom of the poster.

So that’s Josh Radnor, huh? Do we really need both him and Adam Pally? Feels like we could streamline this.

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This poster gets it. Sure, Han is the main character, he gets his name in the title and his face the biggest and at the top. But we all know we’re all secretly here for Lando Calrissian, superfly space pimp, which is why he’s right in the middle at the natural focal point. Also, what the hell is happening behind Woody Harrelson? It looks like a weird alien playing a giant flute.

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I just saw a tweet saying that Traffik is about human trafficking, which makes sense. Though it certainly wasn’t the first thing that came to mind from a poster of Paula Patton dressed like a bike messenger walking through a misty forest holding a giant crooked stick. A whole forest full of potential stick weapons and that unwieldy crooked thing is the one she picks? I don’t buy it. Come on, it’s like you guys have never stick fought before.

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The red cardigan is Mr. Rogers’ Superman cape. I always love this moment in movies, where the hero puts on his trademark clothes and the whole crowd is like “There it is! He’s wearing the thing I know him for wearing!”

We are a dumb species.