Carlos Bastarache: posters-grid-uproxx (2)

nobody knows I'm unemployed because I've got so much money

IMPA

This week in This Week In Posters, we begin with Almost Friends, starring two blue-eyed actors, natch. (Why do directors love blue eyes so damn much? Blue-eyed people have to be triple overrepresented in film and television, at least).

This design is an interest twist on the old “close-eyed headbutt” style, where two actors touch noggins and yearn for all they’re worth. If that style denotes yearning, what does this siamese long stare style denote? Like do you even yearn, bro? And what does “almost friends” mean? Will they just spend the entire movie texting each other? Frickin’ millennials. Also, Freddie Highmore and Haley Joel Osment in the same movie is junior equivalent of Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman in the same movie. Or Skeet Ulrich and Stephen Dorff in the same movie. Basically, only see this if you want the world to end.

IMPA

The art on this Along For The Ride poster is pretty cool, and my first thought was “Gee, that looks like a young Dennis Hopper.”

I looked it up and apparently it’s a documentary featuring the young Dennis Hopper, so that all checks out. IMDb also says it’s in black and white. Isn’t having this colorful a poster false advertising? Discuss.

IMPA

ENOUGH WITH THE “AMERICAN ______” TITLES! Jesus, this looks exactly as generic as the title would suggest, some kind of off-brand mumblecore. Or a commercial for FarmersOnly.com. Waiter, I will have your hardest possible pass, please.

IMPA

The entire concept of “women lettin’ loose but it’s cool because they’re moms!” weirds me out. I think it’s the naughtiness justified by wholesomeness. There’s just something nauseating about it, like a bunch of normies cackling about Cards Against Humanity. Anyway, this poster is whatever, but at least Kathryn Hahn actually looks like Kathryn Hahn again. I like Kathryn Hahn very much.

IMPA

Brimstone and Glory is the documentary about a Mexican fireworks factory, so I guess the cow skull is there to denote Mexicanity? Weirdly it works. Between the cow and the abstract face drawn in lights, I’m getting a Picasso vibe. Still, I can’t help but wish this was about a pair of cops who play by their own rules, named Jack Glory and Hunter Brimstone.

IMPA

This seems like a good illustration that a cool-looking poster isn’t always the best advertisement. I mean cool poster, but what the hell am I looking at here?

IMPA

Oh hell yeah, I’d missed obnoxious diagonals. It’s perfectly deployed here. This is exactly the kind of poster I’d expect for a movie starring Gerard Butler and 50 Cent.

IMPA

Get it? The police and thieves are mirror images of each other.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN: Look, the only idea more overused than serial killers is multiple personality. On top of that you explore the notion that cop and criminal are really two aspects of the same person. See every cop movie ever made for other examples of this.

DONALD KAUFMAN: …Mom called it psychologically taut.

IMPA

I like it when the title and tagline tell me everything I need to know about the movie. “He *would* kill for a good grade.”

This looks like an awesome Lifetime movie. Also, isn’t Dylan Sprouse a Vine star or something? I’m not looking this up.

IMPA

Men! Am I right??

I guess the strategy here is that putting 10 names on the poster will add up to one recognizable person? Or that putting their names on here as if we recognize them will trick us into thinking that we should recognize them? I don’t if it’s the cheesy lighting, lack of recognizable actors, or the on-the-nose gender roles, but something about this just screams “faith-based film.”

IMDb says… not faith based? Inconclusive. Though I did learn that Quinton Aron is playing a character named “Rad Chad.”

IMPA

Ol’ Jigsaw is hiding in plain sight, standing on a street corner wearing a pig’s head. That’s always my favorite disguise when I’m trying to fit in, a pig’s head. Can’t find me if I’m wearing a severed pig’s head, I always say.

IMPA

Stop treating me like I know who this guy is.

IMPA

Someone on Twitter pointed out that the tagline looks like a Coexist bumper sticker and now it’s all I can see.

IMPA

Run downhill! Pointy things forward!

By the way I just now noticed that Superman isn’t in these. Do they have to fight Superman in this? That would make a sick sort of sense.

IMPA

“You can’t save the world alone” is a tagline that’s only belied by, uh… all the standalone movies about these characters. Are those dragonflies in the background? What’s happening?

IMPA

It’s pretty messed up that there’s an LBJ movie and a Lady Bird movie coming out the same year and the Lady Bird movie isn’t even about Mrs. LBJ. It’s just some other girl named Lady Bird. With religious overtones, apparently.

IMPA

Is that it? That curvy thing? Is that the blade of the immortal?

IMPA

So I’ve told you about the close-eyed headbutt, and the Siamese long stare. What do we call this one? The Double Mad Dog with a One-Eyed Sally? Either way, they’re working hard to make this look like Baby Driver 2. Everything’s comin’ up Elgort!

IMPA

I like the twist on “It’s morning in America.” And God bless them for not calling it “American Family.”

IMPA

This is a foreign poster and the movie is actually called “Singularity,” but Kronos: Solutia Extrema is a much better title. It’s a poster that seems to say “Hey, remember Transcendence?

IMPA

I think I’m the only one who liked that movie.

IMPA

“Alien Invasion” is my second favorite SUM1 album behind that one with the song about storming through the party like El Niño. Wasn’t that guy married to Avril Lavigne? Cool, cool.

IMPA

Ay, and if Thor were here, he’d consume the English with fireballs from his arse, and bolts of lightning from his eyes!

Anyway, cool poster. It looks more like Thor is headlining the American Music Hall than a movie. I hope he plays the hits, like “Dark Elves,” and “The Ballad Of Heimdall.”

He plays Ragnarok n’ Rol– delete delete

IMPA

Wait, so the actors are the billboards now? It’s okay, this is a much better twist on floating heads. “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri” is the best title of the year. Remember, specifics are your friend. Everyone is going to remember that. No one is going to remember a title like “Only The Brave.”

IMPA

This summer! Dirt. Flies. Everywhere.

I can’t tell if Ethan Hawke’s hair is getting bigger or his face is getting smaller.

IMPA

“Sexting and Stripmalls?” What is her boob trying to tell me?

IMPA

For some reason, You Were Never Really Here is called “A Beautiful Day” in France. I’m glad that’s not the English title, because these posters are awesome, and the only thing worse than a generic title is a generic title that puts a godawful U2 song in your head. Honestly, I think this is grounds for a lawsuit.